I hate promises and I might begin to hate the word 'forever'. There are times that I wonder if it was alright to fall in love. Here I am, almost down on my knees, with nothing but fevered shards of feelings that are left in me.

I should have run away that night. But I guess curiousity did kill the cat because everything that happened and is still happening is killing me by inches. There is so much to say, so many questions to ask, and he believed a smile and a kiss will sweep them away to oblivion. In their wake, more questions remain.

I begged...stop saying the words you don't mean....don't show me things that will lead me back to you...peace reigns for two days...then my makeshift defense crumbles when his name resonates from all directions....

A year with him...it was heaven and hell every minute...pain on the outside heals...but the pain one feels inside cuts only deeper and deeper each moment...

It is unfair...I wish I can blind myself on purpose so that I don't have to be reminded...so this is the death that loving deals...

Is it just indulgence.....I asked him again today..what if we will have a son? Oh so many plans....but he wants me to quit working...he wants me to be there always...for my son...our son....I love you sweetie

It's been awhile since I last posted in my own journal. Lately my life runs around my job and my circle of friends whom I dearly dearly love. I am also studying shamanism, guided by my best friend, Bane. And the best surprise addition to my life are my dolls, Blair Templeton IV(Tae Yang Maguna) and Miss Miranda Brighton (Pullip Blanche). Although recently Miss Miranda had an accident which had me racing across the city for supplies and was introduced to the magic of magic eraser in the process. So for now, this is what I can say. My life became more busy but otherwise became more happier.

It has been more than a year since that night when I first saw him. Must be some kind of a trick or I was just way too careless to let anybody mosey into my life. In the midst of a lackluster engagement and way too bored to be a bother, I allowed myself to be invited to a Halloween party (which I left early) and I even ditched my costume.

I hardly remembered when he walked in but I was drawn to the table where he was sitting by another person. When I first saw him, he struck me as somebody who is self-assured of what he wants in life as well as maintaining such a childlike countenance that my inner hero lost a part of her jadedness.

I had to leave the party since it turned sour for me (or I just didn't have an appetite for it). Either I left an impression or he was just that courteous, he sent me a message asking me how I was and how it was nice to meet me at the party.

But merely months later, I found myself pointedly ignoring to the point of rudeness because of the fact that my former bestfriend and him are now best friends. Not because I suspected that he and my ex-bff were lovers, but because he was the new BFF.

But where are we right now?

He managed to break through my defenses with the tenacity of a rat going through the floorboards where underneath lays a farmer's best produce. From gentle sweetness to just plain absurdity, he got to me and walked away with what's left of my heart safely in his pocket.

I am slain. He started what flames that died a long time ago and left my soul to burn.

I am about to walk the aisle to tie myself to the man I promised to marry, already grieving of what could have been in my heart. How could I want his child more than my husband's? Other than kisses and embraces, there was nothing more between us. It is what bothered me most. As my wedding day nears, he grew increasingly platonic, no longer intense. I still remembered what he said when he first found out I was already planning to get married. He asked if he can still convince me not to do it.

He always assured me, nothing's ever going to change. He also said he never really knew how to love a girl. But now...those lapses of his behavior cause my heart to cheer...if this isn't love, I don't know what is...

And now....and now....I am writing this....dreaming of that one kiss....dreading the day he will promise himself to another girl....I might regret this someday...but I'd rather lose him to another guy than to a girl who will be so blessed in bearing his child...

I should because I grew up in a so-called haunted house. But my actual ghost experience is when a ghost student suddenly appeared in my the classroom where I used to teach. He is even from these present times, in the age of cellphones and internet. Why he died and how I'd rather you ask me personally. When my own students identified him to me, I offered prayers for his eternal repose. They said that day was his death anniversary. He lingered for a few more months until his former classmates graduated. I hope he rests in peace.

 A weekend of well-deserved rest. Working for more than ten hours each day is more than enough for a reformed couch potato like me.

What should I do when it rains....I just look at that picture of clouds over the river and wish weather would be always like that. Rrright....the last quarter of the year won't be the same without the nip in the weather. Mmmm....October is just right around the corner and here comes Halloween and the Yule. I woke up this morning rather late thanks to some midnight reading and the incessant raining last night that made it really tempting to sleep in. Lots of wind but no rain. I wish I have a digital camera instead of a SLR. I just love taking pictures. But we don't own a scanner and I just use my Motorola L6 to take pictures on the go instead. By the way, when I took that pic, I was eating pizza with my sister in a riverside place here in Iloilo called Times Square. They serve thin crust pizza with lots of toppings you can choose from. But of course, there's always Yellow Cab. So, what's to do in a rainy day? Reminiscing about sunny days go two ways.......Oh and I don't do blogs during thunderstorms, duh.